Monday, August 30, 2010

Ramblings of an Invisible Woman

I have been blessed with a super power.
I am not a very bless-ed person, so I realize this comes as a bit of a shock.
I discovered my power just after I got married.
 Not the first few weeks of course, but soon thereafter, I started to notice some changes.

I'm sure it was the same for Peter Parker and Clark Kent
(or was his name actually Superman and his alter-ego Clark Kent?)
I'm not sure if I'm quite worthy of lumping myself in with their greatness,
after all my power is not about to save any lives or anything, but I'm going to give myself points for actually being a living breathing human being.
(at least I think I am)
At first I thought it was simply a fluke.
A little glitch somewhere in the matrix that I could be overlooked by the people around me.
But soon I started to wonder, and before long became convinced that
have the power
of invisibility.
Try not to be too alarmed. I'm currently working on a study to prove that three out of nine women inherit this gift soon after marriage.

Perhaps it has something to do with the little gold band they put on our finger, I'm not sure.
But, I know that I have this gift for sure, and it gets stronger with the birth of each child. 
 I can stand in the middle of a room, screaming for help
and no one will see me.
(clearly sound is included in invisibility, that's one part Marvel got wrong)

I can flap my arms in the faces of any t.v. viewer in my household,
and they will not notice me.
I can even stand naked in front of my husband,
and he will walk on by.
(I have not tested this theory on any other men... thus far)
If you don't believe that I hold the power of invisibility, simply hand a camera to the man I pledged my life to...

I will not appear in any of the shots,

 This is me at my daughters party
 no matter what the occasion,
 I have not done so in fifteen years.
The only exception to this rule is the occasional hand or leg, should it be touching one of our three children.

 Here I am at my son's birthday
Obviously there is some sort of anti-invisibility force field surrounding children. It also works should a child cry, vomit, or spew blood.
These are my kryptonite.
There is absolutely no way I can maintain my ghostly power if any of those occur within a sixteen mile radius. I've tried.
However, I am one hundred percent, absolutely, never fails, invisible when turning a radio station, watching a t.v. show, spending the income-tax return, or selecting a restaurant.
I'm still working on why exactly this phenomenon has occurred.
I do remember being quite visible before that ring went on my finger, 

 Pushing my eldest on the rope swing
though nothing changes when I take it off. Perhaps the gold reacted to a recessive gene in my chromosomal make up,
(much like a radioactive spider bite)
permanently fusing this power to my DNA. 
I also haven't figured out why there appear to be certain anti-invisibility zones in my house.
The moment I pick up a phone or sit on a toilet,
I become visible, and everyone around me suddenly remembers every little detail of every minuscule topic they ever needed to tell me.
I don't see what a phone and a toilet have in common,
but there is definitely something there.

I hope someday to unravel these mysteries, gain total control over my power, and maybe even learn how to use it for the good of man-kind.
In, fact I haven't really figured out how to make it work for me just yet,
I know that with great power comes great responsibility,

We do have a thing for trains 
and believe me, I am prepared to help someday should any of the greater specimens of man-kind need the help of an invisible woman...

Here I am being Switzerland
Yes, Hello, I'm 34, but that's not really much of an age difference, uh... right?

Meanwhile, I will concentrate,
in the grand tradition of invisible people, 
on not catching on fire, choking, getting caught in a bear trap, or in any way putting myself in a situation of needing immediate assistance, unless, of course, I have an important phone call waiting for me on speed dial. 

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